it feels just like before when you are supposed to feel happy and start to make plans about having so much fun going out with people doing random stuffs you realise that there's no one to do it with you i hate to admit but everytime i feel like i'm getting pushed away i feel rejected i feel like i did the wrong thing approaching ppl and then getting rejected not like they do it deliberately or directly or anything but it just hurts sometimes i feel that i'm thinking too much being oversensitive but i just can't help it i feel like clamming myself up and just stay at home everyday delete msn dao facebook disable tagboard block out the entire outside world everything's repeating itself again i realise i window shop on my own very often which is not sth i particularly like it feels embarrassing somehow esp the eating on my own part it's disgusting i wonder why i'm so concerned about all these stupid stuffs but i just am stupid disgusting person and i wandered into the library and started thinking about what is love i shall go buy can you keep a secret someday cos it's the first english book which made me laugh and i think the shopaholic series is very amusing love is a very odd thing which i can't seem to fathom i realise if i'm going to be what i said i'm going to be i have to get used to this kind of thing now in future there'll be no one alr i'll be all alone again my sister said she doesn't want to get married in future i don't know what to think she said she's going to move in with me and my family and i laugh this whole thing is filled with broken english i can't seem to speak english nowadays loser maybe we'll end up being just the two of us but i wonder if i can stand living with her who hits my head all the time and bully me instead i have to get used to all this it's getting so bad now i wonder how i would survive in future i miss you i realise if i were older then maybe i would be more mature in my thinking i would express my love more openly i can understand myself better i realise when i say i hate you it really means i hate you shouting at me but not you so from now on whenever i have this kind of hate i'd know it's only temporary and it's just cos i feel irritated and super pissed half blood's prince opening soon i still haven't read the book yet i shd seriously go read it i realise i'm a very loserish person who's nvr received those convetional gifts before conventional gifts being those stuffs you see in minitoons actioncity blah blah like soft toys or breaddough or those common stuffs which you think is too common for someone else yet it's actually sth i want to have actually i wonder if anyone really does know me at all i still think i'm the one who knows myself the best and when you say you'd rather not know the real me somehow it saddens me it's like you don't want to know me at all it's like if you'd seen the real me you would be put off that you'd shun away or sth i don't know it just feels bad my sister says i swoon over every guy i see i like the kind of nice nice easy easy feeling i feel when i'm with my family where i can just openly truthfully express my feelings without the need for any pretense or cover up or anything i want to try the milo malt macflurry someday when i was looking at my juniors' photos i really start to miss ny i decided i don't really like hc i know i'm not cut out for leadership roles cos i'm super irresponsible i want to go out but i can't find ppl to go out with i miss those times when i have fixed friends and all but i realise another thing that's wrong with me is that i have this overly possesive kind of attitude i'm super crazy i want to go usa stupid swine flu it's not fair if they're going to cancel the end of year trip i don't think i'm gng to have any future at all i don't even know what i'm gng to do and you are right i won't be even getting any scholarships cos i'm super lousy my results are lousy enough and even if my results can make it my portfolio can't so i'm gng to just stay on in spore anyway i wonder what my whole life is about i don't seem to have a goal or anything and then i start to think about death sometimes it feels super close or sth somehow and i would start to think why bother working so hard for since we are all gng to die in the end and that's the end of it i don't know choy i like disneyland a lot even though you said it's super childish i like those kind of warm and fuzzy kind of feeling yays i like i want to spend the entire week in disneyland so i can play on all the games including those exciting ones and take photos with so many diff characters i want to spend two weeks in disneyworld cos i think it's bigger and i'd probably need more time i want to tour the airport one day i think i like to start imagining and fantasizing a lot of things which aren't going to come true at all and so i'd try to drive all these thoughts away but i can't so in the end i'd just tell myself it's ohkay cos it's only just some fantasy and it won't true so just enjoy the fantasy and all i can be happy in my own imagined world instead i think i feel jealous all the time jealous about a lot of things and envy i hate myself i'm a horrible person i wouldn't want to make friends with myself that's super disgusting i feel like crying now but crying's super tiring i'm a super lousy person cos i cry super easily which is disgusting i don't rlly like it when ppl try to point out my sort of good points cos evidently they are not good points either they are not good qualities or they are just not good enough it's super disgusting i'm super disgusting one day i should really just disappear and go lead my loner life and cut off all contact with everyone yes one day i should really do that nobody would care anywhere as i type this i find myself becoming even more disgusted with myself disgusting lousy person who shouldn't even exist in the first place i'm sorry